KQED Food Blog: Bay Area Bites: The Food-For-Sex Scandal: A Sampling of Good Vibrations' Gastronomic Pleasures
Bay Area Bites: culinary rants & raves from bay area foodies and professionals
Previous Posts
Going Whole Hog
Restaurant Georges au Centre Pompidou
Check, Please! Bay Area: Episode 5
For Whom the Cheese Melts
Food Writing Roundup: Tea Time
Cook by the Book: Very Cranberry
Links around the Bay
Shuna's Famous Gingerbread
Lassi Love at Dosa
BAB Guidelines

'Bay Area Bites' is part of KQED's Blog Authors Collaborative. Blog contributors and commentators are solely responsible for their content. If you're interested in writing or contributing to a blog on kqed.org, email us with your idea.
Sunday, January 15, 2006
The Food-For-Sex Scandal: A Sampling of Good Vibrations' Gastronomic Pleasures
My Bay Area Bites posts, dear reader, will often be preambled by a warning.

In this case, stop reading now if you have never wondered what edible underwear taste like and you don't want to know. Ditto for revulsion to the very idea of honey, coconut, peppermint, strawberry and chocolate ever gracing your nether regions or those of a loved one, for what follows is a review of what I'll call adult novelty fusion food, all procured at Good Vibrations, the Bay Area's leading sex toy outlet.

Fasten your strap-ons: It's going to be a bumpy blog post.

Kama Sutra Honey Dust

Let's start with a fantasy.

Imagine that you're a fabulously well-appointed Indian courtesan, and a happy one at that. Imagine the warm evening wind wisping through the transparent sunset-hued silk curtains that hang around your princess-and-the-pea bed, providing a sexy patina of privacy in the flickering candlelight. Savor the scent of jasmine drifting in from the balcony and the charmingly distant moo of water buffalo. Relish the well-fed child plucking a sitar just outside your door.

Are you with me?

Now, reach for your beautiful tin of Kama Sutra Honey Dust, pluck out the feather duster that it houses, and flicker a bit across the inside of your wrist, or maybe across your knee.


Lovely, isn't it?

And now, taste: Equally lovely -- sweet but not too sweet, perhaps even slightly reminiscent of the tastiest Indian dessert ever, gulab jamun.

Now, disembark from the fantasy and run, next time you have a spare $25 bucks and the urge to wear something sexy to work, to buy some Honey Dust. Never mind bedroom use: a surreptitious lick of your Honey-Dusted wrist -- or knee -- at two in the afternoon at your cubicle just might sutra your kama for the rest of the afternoon quite sweetly.

And keep in mind that Honey Dust, as its primary ingredient is cornstarch, can also thicken your gravy.

Extra Strong Sugar Free Peppermint Nipples

Pert Peppermint Nipples ("Fresh and Frisky") cost $5 and come in a spunky black tin garnished by a brunette with a Jane Russell-esque body. The mints themselves are disk-shaped, a little less than an inch in diameter, with a tiny protrusion. While they are tasty -- a gentler peppermint than Altoids -- I like them even more because they're relatively large, for a mint, and last a long time. In fact, I timed one: One peppermint nipple lasts for a lengthy 10 minutes of sucking.

My tin of Peppermint Nipples is stationed in my car, where it makes for a great conversation piece with friends riding shotgun, and the mints serve the perfect oral pick-me up.

Chocolate Body Painting

This product, whose awkward gerundified name I'll chalk up to poor translation since it's manufactured in Montreal, is nearly as well-packaged as Honey Dust: It's as elegant as a perfume bottle, and you really have to peer closely at the label to see exactly what the kimono-clad couple are up to. It's equipped with a neat little miniature spatula, but as the spatula was not sheathed in sanitary plastic wrap, I dispensed with it and opted for "au naturel" (which in my lingo means "on my finger").

"Set your artistic side free. Paint a love story on your partner's body," the label advises. "It's insanely delicious..."

My idea of "insanely delicious," when it comes to spreadable chocolate, is Nutella -- especially when "au naturel", so I compared the two. Trust me, $12 peinture de corps chocolatée doesn't qualify, but maybe that's because I sampled it on on first my finger, then a baguette, instead of someone else's thigh.

Rather, it is in the "C" range of Hershey's syrup -- thin, with a hint of plastic. But I won't let it go to waste: I'll remember it's in the cupboard -- the one in the kitchen -- the next time I have an eight-year-old with a hankering for chocolate milk on my hands.

Toasted Coconut Lickable Oil

This product is just one in Good Vibration's exclusive line of "body candy". The label declares that it is "natural, non-sticky, edible, non-staining, and delicious!". Oxymoronic though the labelling might be (which in addition to calling it 'edible' also stated that it was for 'external use only'), this is a tasty $5 investment, calling to a mind a long hot afternoon on a deserted tropical beach, a pitcher of pina coladas, and a cabana boy.

One could easily drizzle Toasted Coconut Lickable Oil on top of dessert -- a non-breathing one made of flour and sugar, I mean -- and no one would know that it was meant for body part.

Edible Undies

Don't even try and tell me that you have never ever once wondered about edible underwear. You've seen the package -- the glossy red lipsticked mouth seemingly torpedoed by a chocolate-dipped strawberry -- but have you ever read the copy, which the California manufacturer offers in both French and English, implying that Francophones and Anglophones are equally zealous consumers of "dessous mangeables"?

"Sensuellement Delicieux!"

"Licking well, body heat [and] moisture all enhance the flavour of your Edible Thong. Tie strings loosely to avoid breakages, tie back and enjoy..."

Enjoy before 12/20/2015, that is.

Yes, your $5 edible underwear will last ten years -- likely longer than your non-edible underwear. Unless, of course, you wash it, take a bath with it, or otherwise expose it to an unspecified "forte humidite": "Garment will dissolve in water or excessive moisture."

But we haven't even opened the box yet, never mind tasted its contents.

First, let me assure you, there's a reason why there is no photograph of the edible thong on the package: It's because le dessous mangeables -- which I'm not sure even sounds sexy in French -- resembles a jinormous pink transparent diaper, sexy perhaps if repurposed as a Playboy rain poncho for Barbie (assuming there is no rain, of course), but most decidedly unsexy for human couture, with or without "forte humidite".

And then there was the taste -- supposedly "fraise et chocolat" -- which is about as sexy as the bottom of your kitchen garbage can two days after Thanksgiving when you still feel too fat to take out the trash.

Oh, the bitterness, of the type that launches one's face into a thousand contortions!

Oh, the texture, which clings to the roof of one's mouth and sticks to one's molars like Krazy Glue!

For the love of God and foie gras, dear reader, don't ever, ever let edible underwear cross your unsuspecting palate, nevermind your nether regions. Your tongue and other body parts will never, ever forgive you.

Tune in in two weeks for my next installment in the food-for-sex scandal: 101 uses for flavored lubricant, just in time for Valentine's Day.


Blogger FJK said...

Brilliant post. Very creative. But I thought sex was supposed to burn off calories?

1/16/2006 11:25 PM

Blogger Jennifer Maiser said...

Great post, Meghan. This is hilarious. Tried to tell the boy about it last night and he proceeds to tell me, "that is SO not the point about that stuff." Well, duh, but it's still damn funny and interesting!

1/17/2006 1:56 PM

Blogger Stephanie V.W. Lucianovic said...

"Thicken your gravy" -- god, that is priceless!

1/17/2006 11:57 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ick. Why ruin sex with bad "foodstuffs?"

1/19/2006 1:24 PM


Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home

Locate CP Restaurants:
Check, Please! Google Map
KQED Food Sites
Check, Please! Bay Area
Jacques Pépin Celebrates!
Jacques Pépin:
Fast Food My Way
Jacques Pépin:
The Apprentice
Jacques Pépin:
The Complete Pépin
KQED Wine Club
KQED.org Cooking
Weir Cooking in the City
Tasty Food Sites
Chowhound SF
Eat Local Challenge
Edible San Francisco
Food Network
Food Talk
Group Recipes
Hungry Magazine
Leite's Culinaria
Mighty Foods
NPR: Food
Om Organics
Serious Eats
SFGate: Food
SFGate: Wine
SF Station: Restaurants
Slow Food SF
Top Chef
Wikimedia Commons: Food & Drink
Yahoo! Food
Yelp: Reviews
Tangy Food Blogs
101 Cookbooks
A Full Belly
Accidental Hedonist
An Obsession with Food
Anna's Cool Finds
Becks & Posh
Between Meals
Bunny Foot
Butter Pig
Cellar Rat
Chez Pim
Chocolate & Zucchini
Confessions of a
Restaurant Whore
Cooking For Engineers
Cooking with Amy
Cucina Testa Rossa
Culinary Muse
Denise's Kitchen
Eater SF
Feed & Supply
Food Blog S'cool
Food Musings
Food Porn Watch
I'm Mad and I Eat
In Praise of Sardines
Knife's Edge
Life Begins at 30
Love and Cooking
Mental Masala
Moveable Feast
Organic Day
Passionate Eater
San Francisco Gourmet
SF City Eats
Simply Recipes
The Amateur Gourmet
The Ethicurean
The Food Section
The Grub Report
The Petite Pig
The Wine Makers Wife
Vin Divine
Wandering Spoon
Well Fed Network
Word Eater
World on a Plate
Yummy Chow
Search BAB

Eye Candy: Food Photos
BAB on flickr.com
Join Flickr for free and share your photos with the Bay Area Bites and Beyond group pool.
Food Books
The Moosewood Cookbook
by Mollie Katzen
Baking: From My Home to Yours
by Dorie Greenspan
Grand Livre de Cuisine: Alain Ducasse's Desserts and Pastries
by Alain Ducasse, Frederic Robertmison
The Big Book of Outdoor Cooking and Entertaining
by Cheryl Alters Jamison, Bill Jamison
Tasty: Get Great Food on the Table Every Day
by Roy Finamore
Whole Grains Every Day, Every Way
by Lorna Sass
The Soul of a New Cuisine: A Discovery of the Foods and Flavors of Africa
by Marcus Samuelsson
Michael Mina: The Cookbook
by Michael Mina, Photographer: Karl Petzktle
What to Eat
by Marion Nestle
The Omnivore's Dilemma: A Natural History of Four Meals
by Michael Pollan
Essence of Chocolate: Recipes for Baking and Cooking with Fine Chocolate
by John Scharffenberger, Robert Steinberg
Romancing the Vine: Life, Love, and Transformation in the Vineyards of Barolo
by Alan Tardi
What to Drink with What You Eat: The Definitive Guide to Pairing Food with Wine, Beer, Spirits, Coffee, Tea -- Even Water -- Based on Expert Advice from America's Best Sommeliers
by Andrew Dornenburg, Karen Page, Michael Sofronski
The Lee Bros. Southern Cookbook: Stories and Recipes for Southerners and Would-be Southerners
by Matt Lee, Ted Lee
Bread Matters: The State of Modern Bread and a Definitive Guide to Baking Your Own
by Andrew Whitley
Coloring the Seasons: A Cook's Guide
by Allegra McEvedy
All-new Complete Cooking Light Cookbook
by Anne C. Cain
Modern Garde Manger
by Robert B. Garlough
The Spice and Herb Bible
by Ian Hemphill, Kate Hemphill
The Improvisational Cook
by Sally Schneider
Lunch Lessons: Changing the Way We Feed Our Children
by Ann Cooper, Lisa M. Holmes
Cradle of Flavor: Home Cooking from the Spice Islands of Indonesia, Singapore and Malaysia
by James Oseland
My Life in France
by Julia Child, Alex Prud'Homme
A Passion for Ice Cream: 95 Recipes for Fabulous Desserts
by Emily Luchett, Sheri Giblin (photographer)
Au Pied De Cochon -- The Album
by Martin Picard
Memories of Philippine Kitchens
by Amy Besa, Romy Dorotan
Simple Chinese Cooking
by Kylie Kwong
An Invitation to Indian Cooking
by Madhur Jaffrey
Hungry Planet
by Peter Menzel, Faith D'Aluisio
Sunday Suppers at Lucques : Seasonal Recipes from Market to Table
by Suzanne Goin, Teri Gelber
Simple Soirees: Seasonal Menus for Sensational Dinner Parties
by Peggy Knickerbocker, Christopher Hirsheimer (Photographer)
The Cook's Book
by Jill Norman
Molto Italiano : 327 Simple Italian Recipes to Cook at Home
by Mario Batali
Nobu Now
by Nobuyuki Matsuhisa
Cheese : A Connoisseur's Guide to the World's Best
by Max Mccalman, David Gibbons
Bones : Recipes, History, and Lore
by Jennifer McLagan
Whiskey : The Definitive World Guide
by Michael Jackson
The New American Cooking
by Joan Nathan
by Lisa Yockelson
Easy Entertaining: Everything You Need to Know About Having Parties at Home
by Darina Allen
Cooking at De Gustibus: Celebrating 25 Years of Culinary Innovation
by Arlene Feltman Sailhac
Dough: Simple Contemporary Breads
by Richard Bertinet
Chocolate Obsession: Confections and Treats to Create and Savor
by Michael Recchiuti, Fran Gage, Maren Caruso
The Food Substitutions Bible: More Than 5,000 Substitutions for Ingredients, Equipment And Techniques
by David Joachim
Recipes: A Collection for the Modern Cook
by Susan Spungen
Spices of Life: Simple and Delicious Recipes for Great Health
by Nina Simonds
Mangoes & Curry Leaves: Culinary Travels Through the Great Subcontinent
by Jeffrey Alford, Naomi Duguid
Chocolate: A Bittersweet Saga of Dark and Light
by Mort Rosenblum
Vegetable Love: A Book for Cooks
by Barbara Kafka, Christopher Styler
A History of Wine in America: From Prohibition to the Present
by Thomas Pinney
Fonda San Miguel: Thirty Years Of Food And Art
by Tom Gilliland, Miguel Ravago, Virginia B. Wood
Matzoh Ball Gumbo: Culinary Tales of the Jewish South
by Marcie Cohen Ferris
Washoku: Recipes From The Japanese Home Kitchen
by Elizabeth Andoh, Leigh Beisch
Weir Cooking in the City: More than 125 Recipes and Inspiring Ideas for Relaxed Entertaining
by Joanne Weir
Rick Stein's Complete Seafood
by Rick Stein
The Great Scandinavian Baking Book
by Beatrice A. Ojakangas
Serena, Food & Stories: Feeding Friends Every Hour of the Day
by Serena Bass
John Ash: Cooking One on One: Private Lessons in Simple, Contemporary Food from a Master Teacher
by John Ash
The New Mayo Clinic Cookbook: Eating Well for Better Health
by Donald Hensrud, M.D., Jennifer Nelson, R.D. & Mayo Clinic Staff
Foods of the Americas: Native Recipes and Traditions
by Fernando and Marlene Divina
The Provence Cookbook
by Patricia Wells
Olive Trees and Honey: A Treasury of Vegetarian Recipes from Jewish Communities Around the World
by Gil Marks
Last Chance to Eat: The Fate of Taste in a Fast Food World
by Gina Mallet
by Thomas Keller
A Blessing of Bread: The Many Rich Traditions of Jewish Bread Baking Around the World
by Maggie Glezer
All About Braising: The Art of Uncomplicated Cooking
by Molly Stevens
On Food and Cooking: The Science and Lore of the Kitchen
by Harold McGee
Entertaining: Inspired Menus For Cooking with Family and Friends
by George Dolese
The Breath of a Wok: Unlocking the Spirit of Chinese Wok Cooking Through Recipes and Lore
by Grace Young, Alan Richardson
Cooking New American: How to Cook the Food You Love to Eat
by Fine Cooking Magazine
The Japanese Kitchen: A Book of Essential Ingredients with 200 Authentic Recipes
by Kimiko Barber
Arthur Schwartz's New York City Food: An Opinionated History and More Than 100 Legendary Recipes
by Arthur Schwartz
Poet of the Appetites: The Lives and Loves of M.F.K. Fisher
by Joan Reardon
Bread: A Baker's Book of Techniques and Recipes
by Jeffrey Hamelman
Everyday Dining with Wine
by Andrea Immer
Copyright © 2005-2008 KQED. All rights reserved.